


But what even is sexual attraction?

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Series: What'd I Miss? [1]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Asexual Tony Stark, Clueless Tony, Confused Steve Rogers, Crack Treated Seriously, F/M, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-12
Updated: 2015-07-12
Packaged: 2018-04-09 01:08:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4328040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce sighs, “Everyone who experiences sexual attraction hands up,” he says and everyone in the room raises their hands.</p><p>“No, that’s not right,” Tony says, “I thought this was a joke or something, sexual attraction isn’t even a thing, it’s like a Hollywood invention or something, like Valentine’s Day. This… no, sexual attraction was invented by capitalism and patriarchy to exploit women and make money,” he says, flapping his hands around. </p><p>Steve pats his shoulder, “Tony no, sexual attraction was not invented by capitalism,” he says, laughing at Tony’s confusion.</p>
            </blockquote>





	But what even is sexual attraction?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [GoodSourceofFiber](https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodSourceofFiber/gifts).



> So I thought to myself you know what would be great? Ace Tony being confused about sexual attraction, I've been there, wouldn't that be great? This is based partially on my own experiences so if shit doesn't make sense it's because I too am confused lol. Also my own experiences are altered to fit Tony's character, but I think it came out okay.

“Okay, but what even is sexual attraction?” Tony asks. Steve had had some questions about, well, everything but today they were all fielding questions about the LGBT+ community, mostly on all the new letters that Steve didn’t understand. Frankly Tony didn’t understand half of it either, so it was educational for him too, and judging from the look on Clint’s and Thor’s faces they had learned a thing or two too.

Nat frowns, “ugh, what do you mean ‘what is sexual attraction’? You’re constantly fucking someone, there is no way you don’t know what sexual attraction is,” Natasha says.

Tony looks confused, “ugh, I like orgasms and they’re funner with other people involved, that’s why I have sex. Isn’t that everyone’s reason for having sex? Like you don’t just look at people and think ‘I wanna fuck ‘em’, like that’s just weird, who does that?” he asks.

Bruce sighs, “Everyone who experiences sexual attraction hands up,” he says and everyone in the room raises their hands.

“No, that’s not right,” Tony says, “I thought this was a joke or something, sexual attraction isn’t even a thing, it’s like a Hollywood invention or something, like Valentine’s Day. This… no, sexual attraction was invented by capitalism and patriarchy to exploit women and make money,” he says, flapping his hands around.

Steve pats his shoulder, “Tony no, sexual attraction was not invented by capitalism,” he says, laughing at Tony’s confusion.

“You guys are obviously fucking with me, literally no one looks at someone and just wants to have sex with them, that isn’t a real thing, that’s not how attraction works,” he says, frustrated.

“Okay,” Clint says, “I’ve found an asexual blog so Tony, what attracts you to people?” he asks.

“Okay, like people are physically attractive and stuff, and talk, and how their features look in certain lights, and how they move and stuff. It draws me in, you know? Like I want to be closer to that person, am I making sense?” he asks.

Clint nods, “it appears that you have just described a mix between aesthetic and sensual attraction,” he says, “So when you look at people you think are pretty you don’t think about having sex with them?” Clint asks.

“No, no one thinks that, that doesn’t even make any sense. Why would you want to randomly have sex with a person? You can’t just do that, like you have to talk to them and get a feel for who they are, you know? Like you can’t just look at a person and think ‘yeah, they’ll do’, that makes no sense. You have to talk to them, are they passionate? Can they hold their own in a conversation with you? Are they physically appealing? Are you drawn to them at all? You can’t tell all that from looking at someone,” he says, frowning.

“Except that’s literally how sexual attraction works, all that other stuff doesn’t matter,” Clint says and Tony throws his hands up.

“No, no that isn’t right, that isn’t how it works. Is that how it works for all of you?” he asks and they all nod, “okay, but consider this, you’re all wrong,” he says flapping his hands around.

“Umm, I think you might be the odd guy out,” Steve says, “that’s how physical attraction works, you think someone is attractive and well…” he trails off, blushing, “all the stuff you mentioned is stuff I’d look for in a relationship, not a sexual partner. You don’t need all that for sex,” he says, shrugging. Everyone else seems to agree with him and Tony is generally very confused because _what_? That wasn’t how things worked; looks didn’t indicate any interest in sex, that was just acknowledging that they weren’t hideous.

“That… that doesn’t make any sense,” he says, frowning, “how can you be interested in sex with a person by just looking at them? Are you sure this isn’t something some business guy came up with to make money?” he asks. This… this just wasn’t right, that wasn’t how things went, people didn’t just want to have sex with people all willy-nilly and stuff…Right?

“We are all quite sure,” Thor says, “So what exactly do you look for in a sexual partner if it isn’t sexual attractiveness? What makes Steve more appealing than, say, Clint?” Thor asks.

Tony wrinkles his nose, “well first of all Clint is all wrong, his voice is weird, the way he moves is just so unappealing, his head looks like a coconut, and… and there isn’t any tension there. Like with Steve there was an immediate spark, you know? Like he was in my face and ready to call me on my shit, but he was also willing to work with me and stuff, there is a push and a pull, he has a nice voice, and he’s pretty and I like the way he moves. Steve is graceful, Clint is a bumbling idiot with a bow,” he says.

“Hey!” Clint says, offended, “my head doesn’t look like a coconut!”

Nat tilts her head to the side, “actually it kind of does,” she says and Clint touches his head self-consciously, mumbling that it did not resemble a coconut.

“Okay, so you know when you listen to a song and you like it because it sounds nice, like the notes are pretty and sound good together, and the voice is appealing, and the lyrics are good or at least tolerable, and you kind of feel connected to it? That’s how attraction works, except I don’t ever want to have sex with songs, but people are alive so when they are appealing I think ‘hey, you might be fun in bed, let’s try that’ and if they agree then off we go. Does no one else feel that way?” he asks.

Everyone shakes their heads, “when I met Nat I thought ‘wow, she’s hot’ and then she started shooting at me and I thought ‘yes, perfect, this is what I want’ and then some shit happened and here we are, dating,” he says, shrugging.

Bruce looks just as confused as Tony felt, thank god, because he still didn’t get the sexual attraction thing and Bruce’s confusion was reassuring. “Steve,” he says, “What do you find attractive about me? Like what did you first find appealing?” he asks, deciding Clint’s answer makes no sense.

 Steve sighs, “to be honest when we first met the fact that you were sexually attractive was all you had going for you as far as I was concerned,” Tony makes an offended noise, “what?  You were arrogant, you had an inability to take things seriously, you’re reckless, you… well the only thing appealing about you to begin with was your looks. I know you better now so obviously I have more of a connection to you than that, but you are on your own with your non-sexual attraction thing. Sorry,” he says, patting Tony’s shoulder.

“You know what, no, I’m calling Rhodey because you guys are obviously fucking with me, like that time you all convinced me Steve was my imaginary friend after that one mission went wrong and you all thought it was morally okay to take advantage of my drug-addled state,” he says, pulling out his phone to call Rhodey. “Hey, yeah, when you have sex with a person why do you do that?” he asks, putting Rhodey on speaker so everyone could hear him prove Tony right.

“What?” he asks, sounding confused.

“Like what makes you want to have sex with a person? Just sex, no relationship,” he specifies.

Rhodey sighs, “I have no idea what you’re trying to prove here Tony but I’ll have sex with someone because they’re hot,” he says.

Tony frowns at the phone, upset that they managed to get Rhodey in on this, “no, that isn’t how things work, like you don’t care what they sound like? Or if you can sass them? Sassing is a key part of sex, they need the sass. Or like the way they move? They should be graceful, or clumsy but in a cute way, like Bruce. And they should be headstrong, there has to be some tension there otherwise everything falls kind of flat, you know?” he asks. Rhodey is suspiciously quiet until he finishes.

“I have no clue what you’re talking about Tony, literally none of that stuff matters. Who cares about all that flowery shit if all you’re going to do it have sex with them? What the hell are you even talking about?” he asks.

“Well,” Clint says, “Apparently Tony is asexual and thought that sexual attraction was something capitalism and patriarchy made up to exploit women,” he tells Rhodey.

“Oh my god, why am I friends with you?” he asks, exasperated, “please call me when you don’t have weird questions about my sex life. Congrats on being ace,” he says and hangs up the phone.

Tony flops back against the couch, “so none of you feel this way?” he asks.

They all shake their heads and he sighs, well this was shit. He always thought people talking about how hot other people were was some sort of joke, like sure people were aesthetically pleasing and all that, but they weren’t like sexually attractive, he didn’t even know that was a thing. He always thought it was kind of odd that the whole world seemed to be in on some sort of joke that he was missing out on but Rhodey and Pepper always told him he was out of touch with reality so he thought this was another example.

“Am I the only one confused who is confused on Tony’s apparent lack of sexual attraction but huge list of people he’s slept with? I can’t be the only one confused about that,” Natasha says.

Clint nods, “yeah, so was I but apparently sexual attraction, libido, and responses to sexual stimuli are three different things. The last one was obvious, like that’s just how biology works, but I guess you can have a high or low libido and not experience sexual attraction, like one doesn’t dictate the other, you know?” he says.

“Well, duh, orgasms don’t require sexual attraction otherwise masturbation wouldn’t be a thing, like most people aren’t sexually attracted to themselves, right? I don’t know, and porn is a reaction to sexual stimuli, so that doesn’t count,” Tony says, “doesn’t everyone know this stuff?” he asks, confused.

Steve frowns, “no, but it’s nice to know that even asexual people don’t know what that is until you point it out, makes me feel less clueless,” he says, pulling Tony closer.

Thor grins, “this is fantastic, I believe Jane will like this story,” he says, laughing.

“Just so we’re clear,” Tony says, “I still think you’re all wrong.”                     

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
